There was a perfect storm of many things that zapped my energy last week. What I’ve written about in the past – if I push too far, then it takes me out for days on end – it happened. It was frustrating. It has taken me about 3 days of doing pretty much nothing to get on the recovery path.
A 6 week commitment had a change in schedule mid-way through that seemed to only cause ME tons of stress (as I was the one the change affected and no one else). Why does that always seem to happen?
I kept accommodating and accommodating because I had committed. Yet, because of all the accommodations (which meant I was completely thrown off my own schedule) I found myself tired and wired facing a day of stressful events that had been pre planned for weeks.
And I say stressful events – but they were not bad. I wanted these events, I planned for them. I was even excited for them. All things take energy. Good and bad. There is always a trade off. And I have found that even good, fun, celebratory events take energy – usually more because I’m not protecting and checking myself.
So not only do I get push back for those obvious stressful things that take energy, I definitely get push back when I’m wiped after “seemingly” good things. I feel like I can’t ever win – hence, the wanting to live under a rock on a regular basis.
I have no known medical issues or concerns. I have no long-term disease that would be causing this. Multiple “helpful” people have suggested getting “XYZ checked out” or that “ABC levels may be low.” XYZ is fine. ABC levels are healthy. Trust me. It would be easier to have an “official” diagnosis for this so everyone would be satisfied and stop harping on me.
I had breakfast with a friend and she mentioned something about PTSD. Maybe, but I’m not interested in that. I have a life that I want to live and I have to figure out how to live it. That’s what I’m interested in.
So I made my accommodations and deal with the regular and inevitable push-back on a weekly basis.
I spent the weekend recovering from this over extension. In some ways it was good, I rested. And in some ways it was aggravating because I rested (and it wasn’t my choice.) I wanted to have energy to do the things that I wanted to do.
There’s a lot going around about “people can’t make you do anything.” Or “people don’t take your energy, you give it to them.” Any time I hear those words I can (9 times out of 10) guarantee that the person saying that is getting what they want out of that relationship and it serves them to keep the hurting person hurting. (It also means I’m going to stop hanging around this person…)
To pretend that we are not affected every single moment of every single day by other people is living in a fantasy (dystopian but still fantasy) world. The way our society is set up, what we do for “work” or “fun”, it was all decided by other people in either the past or present. Whether or not they had good intentions (or if they had ever had intentions at all), is irrelevant.
For me to function in society, I have to do the things that take inordinate amounts of energy. And I’m all about easy and I’m all about ignoring social and societal cues. So if I can ignore it or remove it from my list, I will. Some things though that we all do, are there for order and getting along. I can acknowledge them and do what I can – I’m not about to go all anarchist here (though I do tend to lean that way.)
I know I’m not alone. I know there are millions in a similar boat who also spend each day trying to set up their lives, their days so they can function easier, so they can do the things that THEY really want to do within the systems that we live in.
It is so easy, so simple, so profitable (for others usually) to push past our limits. It’s accepted. It’s praised. It’s lauded as an accomplishment. While what we want to accomplish waits for us to have the energy to do what we really want to do.
That is always the consequence I pay. And always what makes me angry when I realize what I’ve lost. All in the name of trying to get along and be accommodating. Even when I promise myself I won’t do it to myself again. Inevitably, I will. I know.
But maybe one day I won’t.
