Consequences (and musings) of pushing past limits

It happens to me often.

There are always perfect storms of many things that zapped my energy. If I push too far or do too much (and I never know until WAY TOO LATE), it takes me out for days on end.

It happens fairly regularly. Once every one to two months. It is frustrating. It takes multiple days of doing pretty much nothing to even feel like I’m back on track.

I have done all the things - the medical things, the nutrition things, the movement things, the sleep things, the friends and family support things, the keeping control of the calendar things (but do we really ever have control?)

That’s where it always veers off track - I think I have control and know how my body and mind will do. Even with tons of downtime and space in between things, I am always caught by surprise by something. (I even religiously block and pay attention to the dips and changes in my cycle and schedule around it!)

I always keep accommodating and accommodating because…usually, I’ve committed. Or I am the only one that can do the things. Yet, because of all the accommodations (which usually means the rest of my care and schedule goes to hell in a hand basket) I find myself tired and wired. And usually facing a day of what was already pre-scheduled (by like weeks or months) stressful events.

I say stressful events, not bad events. I wanted these events, I planned for them. I was even excited for them. But I knew they were going to take a lot of energy. All things take energy. Good and bad. There is always a trade off. And I have found that even good, fun, celebratory events take energy - usually more for me because it's the one time I may relax and won’t check in on myself.

I get push back for those obvious stressful things that take energy, and I definitely get push back when I’m wiped after “seemingly” good things. I feel like I can’t ever win, which is why I tend to pull back regularly and just disengage completely. It’s all energy and it all takes so much energy.

I have no known medical issues or concerns (yet). I have no long-term disease that would be causing this (that I know of). Multiple “helpful” people have suggested getting “XYZ checked out” or that “ABC levels may be low.” XYZ is fine. ABC levels are healthy. Trust me. It would be easier to have an “official” diagnosis for this so everyone would be satisfied and stop harping on me.

So I make my accommodations and deal with the regular and inevitable pushback on a monthly, weekly and sometimes daily basis.

There’s a lot going around about “people can’t make you do anything.” Or “people don’t take your energy, you give it to them.” Any time I hear those words I can (9 times out of 10) guarantee that the person saying that is getting what they want out of that relationship and it serves them to keep the hurting person hurting. (It also means I’m going to stop hanging around this person…)

To pretend that we are not affected every single moment of every single day by other people is living in a fantasy (dystopian but still fantasy) world. The way our society is set up, what we do for “work” or “fun”, the rules of the “games” were all decided by other people in either the past or present. (Unless you are rocking your business but even then, there are still rules you abide by to function.) Whether or not they had good intentions (or if they had ever had intentions at all), is irrelevant.

For me to function in society, and as much as I opt out as much as I can, I have to do extra things that take seemingly large and disproportional amounts of energy. I’m all about easy and I’m all about ignoring social and societal cues. So if I can ignore it or remove it from my list, I will. Some things though that we all do, are there for order and getting along. I can acknowledge them and do what I can, it usually takes more out of me than I (or others around me) can admit or understand.

I know I’m not alone. I know there are millions in a similar boat who also spend each day trying to set up their lives, their days so they can function easier, so they can do the things that THEY really want to do within the systems that we live in.

It is so easy, so simple, so profitable (for others usually) to push past our limits. It’s accepted. It’s praised. It’s lauded as an accomplishment. While what we want to accomplish waits for us to have the energy to do what we really want to do.

That is always the consequence I pay. And always what makes me angry when I realize what I’ve lost. All in the name of trying to get along and be accommodating. (Because love is important to me.) Even when I promise myself I won’t do it to myself again. Inevitably, I will. I know. (You know because love…)

There’s a better way…and I’m going to keep trying to find it. (And likely burnout a few times (or more than a few) along the way…