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If the words “I am” are so important…(and they are)

Why are we putting them before jobs, before roles, before hobbies, before things we prefer, when all of that can disappear in a heartbeat?

“I am” is so much bigger, so much larger and encompasses so much more than our understanding. So why again, do I constantly try to shove the Infinite into “itty bitty living space?”I watch the stories we are telling each other, telling ourselves. Is it true, good and useful? I’m lucky if it checks off even ONE of those three boxes.

I get tied to my job, my business, my role, my beliefs.

And then I am surprised when I’m frustrated with my job, my business, my role, my beliefs. I get burned out from any one of these things and say “I’m burnt out. It’s not who I am.”

GOOD!! I am not my job, my business, my role, my affiliation.I am NOT some business, some role or affiliation that I have in this very moment (or in any moment).

We cling to the roles, the titles, the institutions and then spend our time and energy holding them up, because we think (incorrectly) that we are THEM and they are us. If they have a crack, or fall, or have a change, then we are at fault. All of a sudden WE are wrong.

No. We are not the institutions and the institutions are not us. How much less stress and heartbreak could we have if we really really really understood this.There are two things that keep us in this cycle.

The myth of “this is the way things are” or “this is the way it has to be.” It is damaging to people and damaging to the institutions it is trying to uphold. (Unfortunately it is usually perpetrated by people who don’t want to give up the way they do things. Because they are clinging to their ideas of the roles, business or institution.)

Generic use of “I am.” We innocuously say “I am a banker. I am a mother. I am a small business owner. I am a wine enthusiast. I am a loyal and loving family member.”

All of this adds up to us feeling protective of these roles, these jobs, these hobbies. And we protect them instead of protecting ourselves.

“I am” matters.

If it didn’t, there wouldn’t be all these affirmations and phrases out there, that help you feel better, do things you are afraid to do, and help uplevel your physiology. It works.

Clinging to institutions, roles, traditions, beliefs and things OVER our ourselves, who we are at our core (without those things) – that’s when it goes topsy-turvey and gets painful.

However, it can bring about a world of good. When it is used and thought of in a way that supports us as individuals and as a larger community.

What you look for you find right?

All of a sudden, I’m listening to and reading all about visibility. Mostly the fears behind it, what we want it to look like, what it ACTUALLY looks like and the desire to essentially NOT be visible in the world. We want to go about living our lives and NOT partake in the crazy that usually comes out while living those said lives..

It usually goes something like this:

If we are visible -> we get not so nice comments and not so nice people. To deal with it (or decide not to deal with it) -> we may pull back and stop being visible. Then we may or may not get over it and either ->return to being visible or -> stay disconnected.

There are true consequences to both staying disconnected and returning back to visibility. I wrestle with them regularly.

I think this is my 5th attempt at writing and being online. I have already wanted to delete it all multiple times but I’ve pushed through. I imagine there will be many more

It’s not about fear of disagreement or being upset. (IF ONLY!)There are real life consequences to having any opinion or even existing online. It’s not that it’s any different walking around in real life. Online just magnifies and highlights our society. Instead of getting mad that “this is happening because of x, y, z online”, let’s get mad that this is still acceptable in our societies!

I truly want to know how some of the women I know and follow do it. Are they distanced now from the fray? How have they handled the crazy things that happen to them in the real world from the online space?

The holidays magnify (as well) how much the spaces, people and places we think are safe, are not. It’s a few weeks until the end of the year and already, most women I know have JUST. HAD. IT. If there is ever a time of year that reminds you that you are not in control and you have to go along with everyone else – Welcome to December.

It’s the visibility question again – different situation, same consequences. How free are we really to have our own opinions, be ourselves and make our own decisions different from others? We say “It’s just once a year, it’s fine, it will pass.” Just as we tamp ourselves down and be quiet in other places in real life. Just as others either get bullied, harassed or shut down online or in person (sometimes with deadly consequences).

None of this is new. I think the visibility now of seeing this behavior more regularly, with more frequency – to me it confirms that sinking suspicion that I hoped wasn’t true but truly is.

I can focus on the positive. I can focus on those who have pushed through, made it, and continue no matter what. But that must be exhausting for them. And it’s unfair. And it’s unsafe.So why are we okay with this?

Being ourselves, being true to ourselves can bring up all sorts of stuff and if it’s bringing up stuff this time of year – you are correct. You aren’t crazy. You are human. If you aren’t okay with anything – also correct. If you are frustrated and aggravated and feeling trapped – also correct.

I can’t get mad about the way people behave online when they really would (and sometimes do) behave that way in real life (if they know they can get away with it.) I mean I can – but online is not the problem.There is the push of “Let’s try to get the algorithm to show the good stuff. Let’s stay on to create the change.” I get that. That’s what we do in real life as well. So I get it. I stay (right now) for the same (and some personal) reasons.

I say all of this, as a reminder, it’s not you. It’s us. As a whole. As a collective. You aren’t crazy. You are just fighting upstream. Which is exhausting. And frustrating.

In a time of “celebration” and “cheer” (built on a lot of lies and a lot of people who just wanted power), if you are feeling scared and angry, I get it. You are allowed to be visible, if only to yourself. At least be visible to yourself.

Honesty with ourselves is better than no honesty at all. Even if we can’t show or share it. Yet.

Last year I read “The History of Coined Words” by Ralph Keyes. He tells the stories about words we use today. Some words were meant as jokes but then turned into words and fields we know today (ie. scientist). Some were meant for degradation and then used by others to empower themselves (ie. suffragette). Some were words used to explain a whole different idea that turned into worldwide phenomenons themselves (ie. paradigm).

The book also mentioned that there are overused words that have since lost all (and their former) meaning. I feel that is the case with a lot of the positivity/motivational/coaching quotes.

It’s freeing – we made ALL of this up and we can remake ALL of it up again.

And it’s petrifying – that means WE have the responsibility to make it ALL up again.That means we have to decide what we want while living with what we don’t want and hope that our best guesses get us where we want to go.

If it happens with words, we can do it with ourselves, with our worlds. New names, new jobs, new fields. Someone had to create it.

Anyone can create a new title, a new idea. That title is just as valid as anything else made up in previous generations. Others may tell you “no” but over time, it is no different than anyone else who ever created a word or a field that now exists and we just assume has always been common knowledge (it hasn’t).

So there is some truth to some of these statements, be who you really are and it will all come. Think what you want and it will follow.However, the key is persisting with it. In that persistence, you may have to let everyone around you think you are crazy, stupid, mean, ignorant, disagreeable, lost your mind, in denial or some other version of a combination of all of them (and more). We can argue it “The word works, it makes sense to us! Everyone else just has to catch up!”But that’s not how the world works. (See the United States of America right now – on both sides.)I get into a lot of trouble using words my way (what I THINK they mean) vs. the world’s way (what others or a book thinks they mean). Supposedly this happens a lot to those who read. And as someone who reads more than she does anything else, this has given me some trouble. Besides mis-speaking “hors d’oeuvres” and “colonel”, I really never understood that “Geezus” was well…”Jesus.”I read “Geezus” therefore I say “Geezus.” In my mind, it in no way ties to “Jesus.” I don’t care that they sound the same, my intention is Geezus. Which to my elementary school mind was a great word that is fun to say. (Even when I was young I wanted to sound like an old lady.)As I was being raised to be a “good Catholic girl” (whatever that means, we can unpack those three words of nonsense in another post), I was caught and stuck in a fight trying to explain that I wasn’t taking the Lord’s name in vain.I was saying what I saw as a made up word. (And as someone who has a Z in her last name, everyone else thought my last name wasn’t a real word either, so funny that I thought the same rule would apply to other words).It didn’t. Especially not to a word made up that was supposed to be a “not as offensive way” to take the “Lord’s name” in vain when most of the world I was living heard it as swearing. I lost that battle as a child. I still fight it as an adult. (For some reason, I can’t say “Geezus” but you can steal and kill other people, okay great, glad we are on the same page…)It never even occurred to me or crossed my mind that “Geezus” and “Jesus” were related (as a girl drinking all the kool-aid of Catholic school).I can imagine it is exactly how people feel when they create a word, a title, a song, a piece of art that gets COMPLETELY misunderstood and interpreted, as tons of people (who don’t know them or their intention) jump down their throat and cancel them.Who’s to say who is right and who is wrong? Because we are ALL making it up as we go. SIGHIntention matters.Can we feel it in the words, in the art, in the air? Is that why when someone says the “wrong thing” we know they meant the best and we can let it go? Or when someone says “I’m sorry” but you know they really aren’t so you don’t really accept their apology (because it’s not an actual apology) so you don’t ever let it go?My saying “Geezus” as a child thinking it is a fun word is different from an adult with a gun in his hand sneering the word in front of a Baptist church. Most people can understand that a child doesn’t know and understand and that man likely is not there for the service.Because if we can create words, cancel words, and change it all up – what do we have to go on except intention?If we are making it all up – it’s a huge relief and a huge responsibility. We do live in a world, with societies, cultures, laws, rules, political parties and religions. That’s the trade off of making it up for yourself, you have to wait until everyone else comes along with you. Or accept that you can’t partake in “that” part of society. Or that you have to create your own.Pretending that freedom has no responsibility or consequences is what can get us in trouble.Yes, “be whoever you want to be.” “Be the change you want to be.” “Create the world you want to live in.” “Think it up so it can exist.” All of these.But do this with full intention and full knowledge. Know that it is not a magic wand, but another force of society that is competing with everything else. And if everything else is going one way, do not delude yourself that if you build it they will come.

You control what you make up AND with your intention. You decide how to move and accomplish what you want within the current world. Just know and understand those around you, what they intend and the consequences. We get to do this because others have borne the consequences and we may have to be those people for the ones in the future.

We make choices in life. And there are certain choices we get to make again and again. Over and over.

I continue to struggle with putting myself “out there.” In person, online, on social media, etc.

I came across something I wrote over two years ago, which gets to the heart of the matter

Why am I afraid to be seen? Why am I afraid of exposing who I really am? I have nothing to fear, nothing to hide.The things that have happened to me, the things that have caused me pain and suffering (and exponential growth) are not my responsibility or burden. They do not define me as much as it was: a decision made, lesson learned, t-shirt earned. I am the sum of more than what I’ve lived through, learned, experienced and prayed. I have nothing to hide and all to show for no one but myself. I no longer do anything for anyone else except out of love. And I do what I do because I love myself. And I long to be myself again.I wish I was still this person who wrote that in 2022. I imagine there have been similar writings to myself throughout my 40+ year life. This woman sounds incredible. And I want to be her friend.

Sigh

That 2022 woman also knows (just like my current self knows) that there are valid, REAL reasons that being yourself in public, to certain others, is asking for additional pain and suffering.

Because more challenges on top of challenges – that’s what I need right now.

I’ve worn more masks, created more facades, sculpted more personalities than the amount of days in my life.

You can be who you are wherever and whenever. As long as you are willing to deal with the consequences. And there can be some dire circumstances depending on the situation and what you are expressing.

Sometimes it is not about imposter syndrome and “how to break through!” Ugh, that makes me groan and eye roll and want to punch things.

Sometimes it is acknowledging that there are VERY REAL REALITIES if you show up strong, open, more honest, and more yourself.

So many jobs in my life I had to hold the facade. As I got older, it went from being a normal thing to being painful. My stomach, my body, just wasn’t having any of it. All I wanted to do was be myself and just relax.

At the time though, I couldn’t. Well, I wouldn’t.

I had bills to pay and at that moment in time, in my life, that wasn’t a mountain I wanted to stand on. I was there to work, not be myself. If I didn’t have those bills to pay, I wouldn’t have been there at all. And that’s the truth. And the reality. Of me. And of a lot of other people in a lot of situations around the world.

Okay, maybe it is imposter syndrome…

Or MAYBE…it’s religion or politics (they are separate! if anyone out there is listening!) Or race, orientation or other beliefs. Or the climate or social justice or access or food scarcity or education scarcity or something…(there’s a lot of these unfortunately.)

These things are a huge part of most people’s lives. Those who tell them to get over themselves have little to no understanding about that person’s realities (and they have the privilege not to, which compounds the craziness). It’s like telling a toddler to drive a car to the grocery store.

So sometimes it is imposter syndrome…But sometimes, it is you knowing that it is not the place or time to be putting yourself forward. Because the facts about reality are not you having imposter syndrome. You may be able to change feelings and emotions (great, do that!) but you aren’t necessarily able to change realities.

Don’t let people tell you your realities. Don’t let them sell your facts short with some positive thinking word salad. Don’t let them get in your head so you think you aren’t “doing things right” and “aren’t believing enough.” (Hmmm, doesn’t that sound like a religion now? Hmmmm.)

Honor your reality whether it makes sense to anyone else or not.

THAT is how you beat imposter syndrome.

And let anyone who thinks otherwise keep doing their thing – the results will speak for themselves.

Photo of a woman surrounded by a circle of her own faces by The Earthy Jay @ Pexels

Many people know and live a “multiple lives” reality. This is BEFORE we even get to Listening to Our Still Small Voices and/or going after our dreams.

And when I’m talking about multiple lives, I’m not just talking about “don’t mention politics or hot button issues” in certain situations. Or just not saying something to keep the peace. Or refraining from sharing certain parts of yourself depending on the context.

When I’m talking about multiple lives, I’m talking about having to put on different pieces to cover yourself so you can “be presentable” and “go out into the world.”

It’s like putting on a spandex costume three sizes too small.Yet, millions do this every day – to support themselves & their families, to avoid confrontation, physical and sexual harassment (and all the harassments.) To keep them from having to deal with things that are a reality but they just don’t have the time, energy and space for.

To keep from getting angry and lashing back (because we all know that the victim never gets their due and it never goes in their direction), the spandex costume, that feels so uncomfortable and takes so much extra time and energy goes on. They get ready for the mental gymnastics they have to do the entire time to keep them safe (“Don’t say this.” “Watch your gestures.” “You can’t share that.”)

I lived this way for years and still daily put the costume on for the sake of my livelihood and family.

The worst part is that I KNOW that I am ludicrously privileged.

My mind reels at what so many millions of others (who are not as privileged) have to do to get by in the world.

(And it makes me angry and comatose at times…)

It seems as if one small “considered wrong by someone else, even if that person is a stranger” can cause someone and their family not just mental, emotional and physical pain, but actual death. I wish I were exaggerating. But I’m not.

How do we handle this? How do others (in more extreme circumstances) handle this?

Though I am privileged, I feel the risk in my very being every single day. I know that my opinions, my ideas and my thoughts are not safe out there in the world. Which means my physical self is not either.

How do we keep safe when it feels like our very selves and our very physical beings are at risk?

I’ve been discussing on the podcast this season (Season 4), about how to do things stealthily, without involving people, as much as possible. And I stand by this.

You need to know what you can handle so you can keep pressing on.

There are two ways this could go.

#1) There are discussions, disagreements and arguments that are NOT worth the fight, are NOT worth staking the claim on the mountain, when there are bills to pay, people to feed and bigger things to fight for. (That’s when we put on the three sizes too small spandex costume that we all wear regularly.)

#2) Then there are times you stake the claim on that mountain. There are times you just KNOW it’s time. Some of those other things might bear some awful consequences. You are okay with it or you have gone past the point of no return. Either way, things are going to change and you are ready to take on whatever that looks like.

Both situations are right. Because they put YOU as the primary deciding force in your life.

As long as YOU are the one making the decision on what to do or what not to do, put on the too tight costume or stand your ground, that is what matters.

I wish I could write that the need for all of this would be going away soon and we could all be ourselves 100% all the time, out in the open, honest.

We can’t. We live in a world (and that world is full of people) that has a vision for what THEY want and anything outside of that, that scares them…and well, we have seen what happens since the dawn of time.

But those who have lived within and pressed through, pressed on, created amazing things, broke the status quo and opened up avenues we would have never seen…

They were not out there “being honest 100% them all the time.” They were doing what most of us do every day. Put on the too tight costume and find a way to live their lives within the society they lived in. The revolutions that people never saw coming.

That’s what we are doing when we Listen to The Still Small Voice. Revolutionizing ourselves and the world around us. It’s scary but we are doing it (and can keep doing it) – knowing what we can handle so we can keep pressing on.

It happens to me often.

There are always perfect storms of many things that zapped my energy. If I push too far or do too much (and I never know until WAY TOO LATE), it takes me out for days on end.

It happens fairly regularly. Once every one to two months. It is frustrating. It takes multiple days of doing pretty much nothing to even feel like I’m back on track.

I have done all the things – the medical things, the nutrition things, the movement things, the sleep things, the friends and family support things, the keeping control of the calendar things (but do we really ever have control?)That’s where it always veers off track – I think I have control and know how my body and mind will do. Even with tons of downtime and space in between things, I am always caught by surprise by something. (I even religiously block and pay attention to the dips and changes in my cycle and schedule around it!)

I always keep accommodating and accommodating because…usually, I’ve committed. Or I am the only one that can do the things. Yet, because of all the accommodations (which usually means the rest of my care and schedule goes to hell in a hand basket) I find myself tired and wired. And usually facing a day of what was already pre-scheduled (by like weeks or months) stressful events.

I say stressful events, not bad events. I wanted these events, I planned for them. I was even excited for them. But I knew they were going to take a lot of energy. All things take energy. Good and bad. There is always a trade off. And I have found that even good, fun, celebratory events take energy – usually more for me because it’s the one time I may relax and won’t check in on myself.

I get push back for those obvious stressful things that take energy, and I definitely get push back when I’m wiped after “seemingly” good things. I feel like I can’t ever win, which is why I tend to pull back regularly and just disengage completely. It’s all energy and it all takes so much energy.

I have no known medical issues or concerns (yet). I have no long-term disease that would be causing this (that I know of). Multiple “helpful” people have suggested getting “XYZ checked out” or that “ABC levels may be low.” XYZ is fine. ABC levels are healthy. Trust me. It would be easier to have an “official” diagnosis for this so everyone would be satisfied and stop harping on me.

So I make my accommodations and deal with the regular and inevitable pushback on a monthly, weekly and sometimes daily basis.There’s a lot going around about “people can’t make you do anything.” Or “people don’t take your energy, you give it to them.” Any time I hear those words I can (9 times out of 10) guarantee that the person saying that is getting what they want out of that relationship and it serves them to keep the hurting person hurting. (It also means I’m going to stop hanging around this person…)

To pretend that we are not affected every single moment of every single day by other people is living in a fantasy (dystopian but still fantasy) world. The way our society is set up, what we do for “work” or “fun”, the rules of the “games” were all decided by other people in either the past or present. (Unless you are rocking your business but even then, there are still rules you abide by to function.) Whether or not they had good intentions (or if they had ever had intentions at all), is irrelevant.

For me to function in society, and as much as I opt out as much as I can, I have to do extra things that take seemingly large and disproportional amounts of energy. I’m all about easy and I’m all about ignoring social and societal cues. So if I can ignore it or remove it from my list, I will. Some things though that we all do, are there for order and getting along. I can acknowledge them and do what I can, it usually takes more out of me than I (or others around me) can admit or understand.

I know I’m not alone. I know there are millions in a similar boat who also spend each day trying to set up their lives, their days so they can function easier, so they can do the things that THEY really want to do within the systems that we live in.It is so easy, so simple, so profitable (for others usually) to push past our limits. It’s accepted. It’s praised. It’s lauded as an accomplishment. While what we want to accomplish waits for us to have the energy to do what we really want to do.That is always the consequence I pay. And always what makes me angry when I realize what I’ve lost. All in the name of trying to get along and be accommodating. (Because love is important to me.) Even when I promise myself I won’t do it to myself again. Inevitably, I will. I know. (You know because love…)There’s a better way…and I’m going to keep trying to find it. (And likely burnout a few times (or more than a few) along the way…

Unfortunately, there is no magic wand to figure out the systems and things that work for you.

Again, if there was, we would all be living completely fulfilled and no-obstacle lives and you wouldn’t be reading this.

Or anything for that matter.

My life goal (though sometimes I forget it) is to have more free unstructured time to just be. No agenda, no to-list, nowhere to go. All I want to do is putter, clean up and out things around my house, read and write.

• Blocking an entry on the calendar worked (which defeated the purpose, I know)…until it didn’t.

• “5 minutes a day” to be done at some point worked..but it left me feeling worse (I didn’t want more to-dos.)

• The “add it onto another task”…who am I kidding, that NEVER worked…

When I find this unstructured time, and do the things, it is like the magic wand is in my life. I feel limitless for hours and even days after. I can do things I never thought I could do. I can power through that to-list I was ignoring and enjoy it.

I don’t want this magic time, just so that I can get more done. I want this magic time whether or not I get more done after it.

Actually the goal is that more of MY time is less filled with “productivity.” I’m not even sure I like this side effect of increased productivity after unstructured time. Feels like it defeats the whole purpose of what I’m trying to do!

Hustle culture reigns, even though like most things, too much of anything, is a bad thing.

And sometimes it may be healthy and sane to do things that are seemingly crazy now for a benefit later OR instead save up resting so there is enough energy for that push of activity.

However, I tend to take the extreme circumstances past the points of no return (ie: self-destructive).

I know I have a naturally given set of “rules” for my body, mind and spirit that help me be more me and make sure I’m not adding additional stress. I’ve learned them by feeling bad, making mistakes, months long sicknesses & exhaustions, and just overall being regularly and always uncomfortable.

Which are some of the very same things that I have “been told to push through.”

Hmmm….

The always-go-to-example for me: My entire life I have attempted to be a social person in the sense that I should go out at night and on the weekends and do things, particularly with others. And for a while, I can hack my way through it. (And that is exactly how I feel, as if I have a machete in front of me trying to cut through the branches in front of me so I can put the machete down and rest.) Eventually though, I feel the pain. When I mention it to myself and others, I am suggested to “push through it”, “don’t fight it” to overcome it – mostly by myself, I can’t even blame the others.

So it’s not until I am straight up miserable, my body physically and mentally rebelling, that I stop trying to be social.

It’s a struggle. I want to fit in, I want to be part of the world, I want to do things.

My mind and body, though, have a completely different idea of what healthy and social mean for me.

If I follow my body, my personality and my tendencies, and stop doing the things that stress me out (which are those social and societal expectations) it makes all the other parts of my life easier.

But there is that trade off again. I know that the more I realize how wired “against the grain or against whatever is popular and accepted at the time in the world (if I can even keep up!)” the harder it is for me to acknowledge and honor my limits, while still living in the world.

Sometimes my sleep needs change drastically – Ever had an awful night’s sleep but had an insanely good and productive day afterward? What do you do? There are days I thought that was the secret, not sleeping, which usually ended up in a breakdown by day 2 or 3 of shorting myself on sleep. But I felt fabulous and got so much done! (And it means I fit in with society!)

Still the basics, like eating real food, resting, and getting away from screens, are the things that I usually ignore or push past the most. Yet the basics, when they are in place, make the biggest difference in my life – meaning I am not as likely to physically and mentally break down as fast, if at all.

While I take care of the basics, in the short term I may not get anything done and/or participate in the world – that’s challenging. But in the long-term I am happier and more regulated so…that should win over “productivity.” Some days it does and some days it doesn’t.

And I’ve heard (and I know), that when I hit my limit someone else gets to come in and do what they do best. (I know there are plenty of people out there partying and having a great time while I’m asleep – they are partying enough to make up for me and likely a whole bunch of other people.)

It’s why we hire different people with different skill sets to be complementary at work. It’s why opposites attract in relationships (and may or may not fight about those differences regularly!)

Reminding you to remind myself: Limits are not bad or something to be fixed or “life-hack” our way out of.

They are our “secret code” for how we function best in this world. (We might “have no limits” in eternity but we aren’t there yet.) We are here on Earth, with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual limitations.

I think of it as we are all living on, what I’m going to call LIFE mountain. Yes, an actual mountain that we are all living on (you know, like the Earth! But maybe easier to picture as a mountain sometimes. Putting us all closer together.) Our lives may look like learning things, growing things, experiences, being with others, seeking out our version of success and at the same time supporting ourselves in the basics of life along the way (food, water, shelter, clothing, safety, love.)

Do we all want to climb the mountain? And even if I want to, instead of forcing myself to try climbing up a steep cliff, maybe I am better off hanging out at the base of the mountain for a while. Maybe someone comes along who I can help belay up the side (or maybe someone else can help me up!) Or maybe once I get to the top of that one cliff, I’m supposed to hang out there and check out the caves and the paths around the mountain for a time. And I can tell the people below me (or above me) that there may be a different way that’s easier for them.

I’d like to think that’s what we are all doing in our own way as we go along in life. Trying to travel our own journey but reaching out along the way. Your limits are not only going to help you, but help others as well.

Who would have thought? My seemingly antisocial evenings may help me and others.

I think of the introverts unite memes…so much truth in them…

(Original Sources for these memes: imgflip.com, imgixranker.com, winkgo.com and boredpanda.com)

My post content

If there is one thing I want you know, to embody, to remind yourself every moment of the day:

There is nothing wrong with you.There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

You are perfect the way you are.

Contact Lenses

Audre Lorde

Lacking what they want to see

makes my eyes hungry

and eyes can feel

only pain.

Once I lived behind thick walls

of glass

and my eyes belonged

to a different ethic

timidly rubbing the edges

of whatever turned them on.

Seeing usually

was a matter of what was

behind my brain.

Now my eyes have become

a part of me exposed

quick risky and open

to all the same dangers.

I see much

better now

and my eyes hurt.

The last three lines hit me powerfully.

I see much

better now

and my eyes hurt.

I got glasses in fifth grade (though I can’t ever remember being able to see the chalkboard.) I didn’t know that I couldn’t see.

When I put my glasses on for the first time, I was amazed at the clarity. And at the same time, overwhelmed with how bright and clear everything seemed. There is a reason they had me on a schedule of wearing them just a little bit more each day.

After years of having glasses, my mother let me get contacts when I started high school. I could see WITHOUT squishing my glasses when lying down on my side to read (that was my sport in school – lying down sideways while reading.)

I could see when I swam and in the shower. If I thought seeing through glasses were amazing, my contacts created a new person who could do and see things she never could before.

Every night though I would take out my contacts and return to glasses for the evening (because I had books to read of course!)

One evening during the Christmas season, I looked up from my book and over my glasses to look at the tree we had in our living room. I saw the blurry colors of light, everything shimmery. It looked ethereal. Dreamy.

How many years had it been since I’d seen the tree like this (remembering that prior to fifth grade, that was how I saw and thought everyone saw)? How had I let this go? I was so used to crisp lines and bright lights.

I thought about the 10 year old me and her first hour with her first pair of glasses. Sitting quietly in the back seat of the car, the highway took us past farm lands, mountains and trees. Trees, upon trees, upon trees. I imagined I was in awe of the details I could have never imagined. I probably saw the cows and farmhouses for the first time.

But as a teenager in front of that Christmas tree, I realized what I had missed. I had actually sacrificed something to see clearly and now was wondering if it was worth the cost. I forfeited a dream world, a world where things were softer and rounded. I could live in a bubble – “what you can’t see won’t hurt you.”

I still wear both contacts and glasses. Despite being a candidate for Lasik, I have no desire to lose the softness and ease that going without vision correction gives me. I can be reminded that there is a cost to seeing clearly.

As a middle aged adult who now has to add the reading part to her glasses, I’ve come to understand that there are times that ignorance really can be bliss. Once you truly “see” something, there is no going back to before “seeing.” And there can be all sorts of work (and possibly pain) to deal with and process.

We strive for and say we want the truth. Yet, I think we know deep down, that if we receive the truth, what our voice really wants to say to us…well, we might not like what we have to go through to get there. Maybe it’s not the right season or situation. So we might “take off our glasses” for a moment’s reprieve, opting not to listen to The Still Small Voice for a little while…

One of my guides asked a relevant question a few years ago that still reverberates through me. The idea seems loving and cruel at the same time.

It is: “What would happen if we all really went around telling the truth? No matter the circumstances.”

As the words left his mouth, I started to laugh, cry, and snort in various combinations, my body vibrating and jerking in various ways. I could imagine the relief of being honest in one moment, oh sweet relief. But then I could feel the extreme pain, we could all cause and receive, and would that really help us create a more loving world?

He made a statement “It’s too bright. You can’t blind people all at once. Just a little light at a time.”Maybe one day there will be a bright light for you – I wish you well when that happens.

But for now, Listening to The Still Small Voice…sometimes too bright. No need to blind yourself. No need to hurt.

Just a little light at a time.

If there is one thing I want you know, to embody, to remind yourself every moment of the day:

There is nothing wrong with you.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you.

You are perfect the way you are.

The anxiety and stress we feel is not made by us.

It has been created and programmed into us. There are a myriad of systems, structures, societies, cultures, religions, industries, family, friends, acquaintances…that we have been influenced and molded by. Our personalities, our lives, have been created by these things AND spoken into existence by others, who want us to “succeed”, “be a good person”, “do the right thing”, “to take care of yourself.” (And remember most of these people are within, around and supporting all the systems and structures in the second sentence.)

That you know there is something else, something more – is radical.

To look behind it all, to seek something different outside of all of that – is radical.

Which is probably why that’s likely not where we start.

(It’s a little too extreme too quickly. Like coming into bright sunlight after being in the dark for hours. It takes some time to adjust.)

Most often, we start with trying to make the lives that we have (the ones that we bought into – created for us by society) easier. We know that THINGS ARE VERY WRONG. Yet we also know that we have people, bills and dreams counting on us to make things happen within these systems (wrong or not.)

So we look to make things easier. Maybe to get something off our plate – usually the unpaid, mental, emotional and domestic labor (usually unpaid) where we spend a ludicrous amount of time for our survival.

Our lives are created by and in the society we live in.

We turn to solutions by society. We run to the productivity hacks. Why shouldn’t we? It makes sense.

Our intention (which is what matters) is usually to help us get the time and space to be ourselves. Even if it might not look like that directly. It might look like: more time to be with family, to work on a hobby, to take on a project, to support the community, to do more.

Those can all be signs that we are looking to be ourselves in a different way. It might not be as direct, like “I want 30 minutes to read a book in silence, meditate, take a walk outside, figure out what I want to do and who I want to be.” But that’s what we are all striving for…even if we don’t realize it. (And if that is what you want, please proudly proclaim it as much as you can!)

The tide is turning. There are more and more people, acknowledging, insisting, and repeating that the productivity hacks don’t really work, at least not for what we were expecting them to do. (Even the productivity bros are coming around!) These techniques and ideas may save us time and energy, sure. But without a reason, without an intention, it’s just another thing to do, told to you by someone else. (PS: Make sure you aren’t doing more just to do more – that’s a sticky wicket we will cover another time.)

It’s like expecting to find freedom within the confines of a cage. We do this to ourselves.Intention matters (that’s going to be a theme here FYI). Sometimes those tips and tricks to phone it in can be very useful. Again, if you have a healthy intention for yourself and not trying to “win” at productivity hacks.It’s a well known desire. We all want to do “it right”, “the best”, “the perfect” way.

To quote a wise woman: “It, is good, enough.” Sounds like a good intention to me.

In Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin, MD (Read this book!) she talks about meal delivery services and other time saving strategies as being possible faux self-care. Like the productivity hackers, all the “fixes” for the world are just wallpapering over that gaping hole in the wall (or in our governmental, cultural and societal systems – you know, no big deal!).

At the same time, she also acknowledges that outsourcing can be helpful to free up time and space. If you know what you are using it for and it’s for you for a reason that is supportive and helpful to you.

(Again: These should not be used as the one more thing that you think you could/should/may do that will help you feel better as a person. These things may give you some time, but like all faux self-care, productivity hacks and well-meaning and well-intended advice from others. It should not be what you do to “feel better.”)

There is a story Danielle LaPorte tells in one of her books. I believe it’s about a friend who was getting ready to enter a stressful situation with an ex-husband at their child’s wedding. This woman was going to try to get through it naturally but was already on edge. She decided to take a Xanax just for that day. Her friends cheered and supported her on that decision. She might not have wanted to and it might not be the best long-term but for that moment, she chose it for a reason that she liked.

Are you happy and are you the one driving your reasons for doing things? Or are the reasons driving you? (Pssst…we are working on coming more from the first reason rather than the second reason.)

We run to the productivity hacks, the marketed time-savers, and the things of the world because they DO have something to offer us.

But just like most things, just because it worked well once, doesn’t mean it is always going to work. This “thing” is not the answer to everything (or maybe even the complete answer to this one thing.) Like most things in the world, we have to remind ourselves that just because it works now doesn’t mean it always will. Things could change.

Actually things will change. So knowing why we are doing what we are doing is going to help us ride that change and make things more easy for us. Productivity hacks and otherwise.