I feel Loneliness only when surrounded by other people. I love talking one on one with someone – but as more people enter the space – I feel myself disconnecting. Around very large groups of people I feel cut off and alone on the planet. I don’t feel a oneness – like we are all in it together, that people say they feel at large concerts and rallies. I wish I did feel that way. It spirals quickly from loneliness to despair, as if I or anything around me even matters.
Loneliness, as currently termed, defined and understood, is actually what fuels me! Solitude and silence. I can be in solitude and silence alone, at home, in nature or a even with a few like-minded others. I think this is what the universe is truly fueled on. It puts me back in touch with our connection to everything. It brings me home (in the cosmic sense) in relation to the people and things around me. It helps me see what really matters as an individual and a collective.
During my definition deep dives (because that is what I do!) I was shocked to see loneliness defined as: Love of retirement; disposition to solitude. As someone who has a VERY strong disposition to solitude, I definitely do NOT feel lonely during those times. Quite the contrary. However, I have been called lonely by others when I partake in my essential past time of Solitude and Silence. So who is it that gets to define loneliness? Others looking from the outside or the person experiencing it?
I know I am not the only person in the world comfortable being in Solitude and Silence. You just don’t hear from us very often – because we just are out there doing our thing, taking care of ourselves and others. We are not talking about it because that’s not the point. It would be contrary to explain or narrate the time of Solitude and Silence. It completely defeats the purpose.
Another part of the loneliness definition was depression. I have never felt depression from being alone. I have been depressed throughout my lifetime and it was only relieved when I WAS ALONE. I am much more likely to spiral into all sorts of panic, anxiety desolation and depression when I’m with others. So many times I (and others!) have wished that I was wired differently. I would have loved to be out and about. I wanted to enjoy what everyone else around me seems to enjoy so much. But decades of experience have taught me that I am happier when I let people enjoy their stuff and I do not try to go along just to fit in. I cannot be who I am not without suffering serious physical and mental consequences. Those situations/events/evenings are just not worth it.
My feed has been showing lots about dinner parties and ‘why people just don’t get together anymore.’ I get it. So I am still consciously showing up to things. I am showing up to select things that I know will support me and others. If I say I will be there, I will not bail unless there are understandable extenuating circumstances. I’ve noticed that after the little bit of support for those who are “just not into going out” (you know COVID and everything), I am seeing a backlash of “Don’t be so responsible, go out and have fun!” Fun according to who?
I find most things that are “fun” are all about entertainment, becoming someone else, getting away from our lives. Some people either don’t have that option or don’t want that option. And if you make a different choice than that “fun”, suddenly YOU are the one in the wrong. Not so surprisingly I find most people that opt out of “fun” really could care less what others think of them. They want people to go have their “fun.” Yet these others make big productions about others choice, as if the opt-outer is ruining the fun. (They aren’t – the person making the big deal about it is.)
I always want people to go have their “fun”. I just won’t enjoy it so I don’t go, as to not spoil their fun. I’m helping you have a better time! Why don’t you see that?
I don’t want to opt out of my life. Ever. At all. Even for a few moments. While I have found that it doesn’t work well for me to do so, I’m also kinda proud of it. This life I’ve created and what I get to do. I don’t want to escape it. I want to keep creating it and living within in and persevering it.
I find a lot of so-called “fun” is an excuse for people to lose their connection to themselves, their lives, the world around them. And THAT is when I’m the most lonely around people. When they are treating themselves and the world like an item, an article, something to be used and discarded, rather than the vivid, transforming human that they truly are.
Are people lonely? Of course. Do people want to go out and do stuff? Sure.
Still I feel this “loneliness epidemic” has been sold to us so we will buy more – stuff, events, someone else’s life instead of ours. As if we can create connection and community by just getting out there and doing something. That’s actually not how it works.
Which interestingly enough, is actually my technique for everything – just try something, get out there and do something. But it is never because I want to seem like someone else, take a break from my life or forget about it for awhile. I pick, choose and go to support, enhance, excite, vivify, what I already have. Not to escape.
I go places where I am already aware, researched, and have for a reason why, with a way to talk and connect to the people. These are continuations of my life. I get to see what cool things I can add to my next chapters. I have always found the default things “fun” – concerts, loud bars, “parties” – not supportive to me.
The more I can’t hear or be with people – an easy to hear and understand conversation with the people surrounding me…the lonelier I feel. Why should I pay with time or money to feel lonely? I argue that some of those sorts of events are forcing a “loneliness” upon ourselves that many haven’t begun to understand. Similar to the argument about connection and the internet that has been around for decades. We are more “connected” but less of a community than ever.
You don’t build community by partying and going out. You build it by living life with others. Sometimes that looks like opting out of a gathering or sometimes that’s by doing things that you may not prefer (but know will make everyone feel good and connected).
You know, looking ahead and out for others.
And in that way, I’m being human, being awkward, I stumble, fall, try things that are disasters and learn from them.
But mostly, I want to be there, present, available and listening. To myself. To others. That is how to not be lonely. And a dinner out isn’t going to fix it. Going out with friends at night isn’t necessarily going to either.
For me, it is a living of a life that prioritizes connection and community over “not being alone.” In the all-day, every day, mundane way sense of community. Being alone can be awesome in a way that being with 80 people can never be. But building with a few others, regular, boring, deep connections where we are truly a part of each others lives – that’s what I prioritize. The rest has to go so that can flourish.
