I’m in a burn it all down phase. Not because I’m ashamed of what I’m sharing or that I don’t want to keep sharing. It’s because I know I’m not being fully, honest, truthful, myself. It’s because I’m holding back (in so many places and ways – not just here.) Do I really need to keep up another charade that’s not completely me? Aren’t there enough of those me’s walking around the world? I envy, am in awe of and am scared to be those women who speak up courageously. Why get continuous death threats and have to take additional…
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With the internal (and external) pressure to be more social, I have to pause and consider: What is really good for me, what gives me comfort, and where do I feel good? These are difficult questions for me to answer. Sometimes I’ll be driving along and think “I just want to go home.” But not to my home, to a friend or family home, or to a home from childhood. I’m yearning for a place, a feeling that if I have felt it, I don’t remember. I have no context. I need that feeling of home just as much as…
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A new idea popped up for me in all my reading and scrolling: A social calendar. It’s not a new concept in any way. Thought it is one that I hadn’t thought of for a time. When I was first divorced, I was out and about all the time making connections, enjoying myself and just saying “YES” to all the things. Unsurprisingly, trying to keep up with even 1-2 groups of community proved too much for me. I was working on stepping back, when COVID stepped in and shut it all down for me. I had needed to be a…
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But I have to figure out how to be okay… I had this idea that if I just scheduled all my topics out, I would write them. I called it acting as a professional. Taking myself seriously. Holding myself accountable. *Phbt* As someone who roots deeply into her routine as a matter of sanity, even I know that some of the scheduled things and being serious are the last things you should be doing. This one’s title was supposed to be “It’s okay even if it’s not okay.” But it’s not. It’s not okay that things are not okay. There…
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(How to Stop and Assess) So, how do you stop and actually listen? Even if you don’t feel like you’re doing it right or doing it well or even doing it at all? What you do is you take the time and see what comes from it. And since I would never talk about something I don’t practice, here’s my example: I took the time this past month to do some checking in. Some of it was scheduled, some of it, life schedules it for you, whether or not you want it. I have considered November as a cleanup time.…
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We are prepping for the Holidays Though this might be termed a “you and I” relationship, if it is one that breaks down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need in the first place. – From “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. My calendar has been telling me. I’ve been blatantly ignoring it. Yes, the holidays are coming. I have these gentle reminders (warnings) that start in July. These (supposedly) make sure I ask myself the right questions while NOT in the stress of holiday planning.…
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Maybe it’s time to let some of that go Why do I have to change who and how I am to fit this hypothetical, constantly changing, make-believe culture that changes every second? And changes depending on who I’m talking to? Anyone who creates and then shares takes a huge risk… “Will they understand? Will they get it?” That’s the hope. The fear looms large. I’m not afraid of people not getting “it”. (Whatever this “it” is.) It’s the inevitable pressing of others on me to make the elusive “it” more “understandable”, more “palatable”, less provocative. You know, so it can…
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when swimming in a culture that doesn’t seem to want that at all When things aren’t working (and that feels like ALL.THE.TIME), I find myself looking for systems and procedures that can get any one area of my life under control. It doesn’t have to actually get it under control – just needs to give me a semblance of control. It gives me some form of an understanding (even if it’s false) in a world that I‘ve always found pretty messed up and hypocritical. I tell myself that this semblance of control is needed to keep me from spinning out.…
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I am finding more ease and freedom with my early bedtime and quiet hours. I am also finding I am getting WAY more done (what I want to do and what others want me to do!) with the renewed energy. But I didn’t put the boundary in place so I could “life-hack” my way to better productivity. Quite the contrary. It’s a benefit for sure but… I would still want the boundary in place even IF I didn’t get this additional benefit of increased “productivity.” Intention matters. Hustle culture still reigns though we know better. Do what you gotta do,…
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Spring brings anxiety for me but it’s just a microcosm of a larger concern within my life. There is the pull of the “do, do, do” when I want to be (if I’m moving at all) slower and more exploratory. I know that this anxiety comes not just in Spring but in the whole of life. Gratefully, I am feeling more confident in being motivated by Nature (and less by the world) as I get older. I have found throughout my lifetime that my thresholds for burnout seem unusually low. And as I get older they become lower and lower.…