Maybe it’s time to let some of that go
May 2025
Why do I have to change who and how I am to fit this hypothetical, constantly changing, make-believe culture that changes every second? And changes depending on who I’m talking to?
Anyone who creates and then shares takes a huge risk…
“Will they understand? Will they get it?”
That’s the hope.
The fear looms large.
I’m not afraid of people not getting “it”. (Whatever this “it” is.)
It’s the inevitable pressing of others on me to make the elusive “it” more “understandable”, more “palatable”, less provocative.
You know, so it can be what the other person wants it to be.
It’s why I don’t talk a lot. At least not about anything I care about.
So I write about it all instead, hemming and hawing about sharing it.
Because I’ve heard it over and over throughout the years and know what’s coming.
“I don’t understand.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“That didn’t really happen that way.” (“Okay, but it actually did…”)
“Don’t say that.”
“You can’t do that.” (“I actually DID do that, but okay…”)
I struggle daily with understanding people, systems, ideas and processes that everyone takes for granted and the world calls normal. I’ve been for testing and there is nothing “different” about my brain. But I definitely understand and empathize much more with those who have differences in their brain. (And this gets me on the rant of “Who says THAT is normal and THIS is not?!”)
I have to do a lot of additional work and put myself through additional stress each day to function in society – as do millions of others. Some share the burden publicly and others bear it alone.
After years of asking for explanations, looking in the all obvious and absurd places for answers, explanations, assistance in understanding, I’ve just accepted (without agreeing) that there are many things I just have to do (extra) and get on with it.
So I’m baffled (and angered) when I’m not just asked but demanded by others to change the way I am.
Change the way I speak or write things because someone doesn’t want to spend any extra time or energy to engage with me as I am.
When that’s what millions of people do for minimal/barely-there survival every single day.
These people who want me to change who I am, really don’t even want to or need to engage with me. They can opt out, ignore me – that’s actually my preference.
Yet their blind and entitled insistence for me to change for them…
I kinda want to be that bitch.
I kinda want to pull that whole “You feel like you are being treated unfairly because you don’t understand what someone else is doing and they aren’t catering to you…[insert other expletives and things I shouldn’t say here]?”
Why do I have to change who and how I am to fit this hypothetical, constantly changing, make-believe culture that changes every second? And changes depending on who I’m talking to?
You can tell when people are asking for true engagement in accommodation. I’ll give that all day long.
But I (and no one on this earth) fits into this dichotomy, black and white, this culture and system we’ve made up. This culture that hurts ourselves, everyone and everything around us.
We are pounded on constantly to get our round selves into that tiny square hole. Even and especially when we are sharing from our hearts, from our whole, human selves that might not make sense in any way that we expect or categorize.
And when I ask to take a minute to make it easier to contort myself, so I can fit more easily. “NO! JUST DO IT NOW! MAKE IT WORK!”
So I do what I do:
- to stay safe
- to say sane
- to be able to do what I want to do and be who I want to be if/when it’s safe
And I share – honestly and truly, when I have the time, capacity and safety to share (and sometimes when I don’t.)
Creators take an extreme leap and put themselves at risk by sharing with others.
Living is an extreme leap as people are honest and put themselves at risk by sharing their lives, themselves with others.
Reminder to self: what I create, who I am, actually is not my responsibility – not in the way I’ve been brainwashed.
No need to blame myself and take on additional shame and spiraling just because of the reaction of the people and culture around me…
When it’s been that way forever.
It’s my responsibility to acknowledge it, bring light to it and understand it
let the rest go
while living and creating.
No one on this earth fits into this dichotomy, black and white, this culture and system we’ve made up. This culture that hurts ourselves, everyone and everything around us.