“Take up space.” I’ve heard that from therapists, coaches, and even my workout videos. But I don’t. It seems that even if I wanted to, I can’t. It feels wildly uncomfortable and unsafe when I try. Maybe it’s trauma informed (okay, it IS trauma informed) and I know I’m not the only one. This is most apparent to me when I travel. I try to minimize what I need as much as possible. I am always ready to quickly and easily pack it all up. In 15 minutes or less. If I take up space, it means more time and…
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With the internal (and external) pressure to be more social, I have to pause and consider: What is really good for me, what gives me comfort, and where do I feel good? These are difficult questions for me to answer. Sometimes I’ll be driving along and think “I just want to go home.” But not to my home, to a friend or family home, or to a home from childhood. I’m yearning for a place, a feeling that if I have felt it, I don’t remember. I have no context. I need that feeling of home just as much as…
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Some thoughts I have many faults. Some of them I’m not even aware of or they haven’t happened yet. Other faults stalk me, like that bush near my walkway I had a landscaper pull out 8 years ago. It’s back in full glory and it’s not going anywhere. In a similar style, I have tried to eradicate these long standing “faults”. At least, that’s how these particular personality traits have been presented to me by numerous other people throughout my life. Interestingly enough it is these faults that make me and what I do, who I am and what I’m…
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And maybe that’s what it’s supposed to be It seems like whether we want to or not, December reminds us of things – that we wanted or want to do. My forgotten dreams come as I remember earlier holidays and/or while I’m making plans for the holiday into next year. I will pick up some old dreams I had when I was younger and check them out, again and again. Year after year. At the same time, I will also hear that incessant chatter in my brain about bringing back lost dreams and “who were you when you were kid?…
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(listening to truly listen) I happen to like four letter words. A lot. The more blasphemous, inappropriate and unprofessional the better. Because sometimes calling something awful really does not accurately apply to situations that require those unprofessional four letter words. Unfortunately, since I have no problem using them AND I’m headed into mid-life where I’ve lost whatever filter I have left, I use them much more frequently and in situations where my younger self would have been able to hold back. But this is not about those four letter words, it is about one four letter word in particular that…
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We are prepping for the Holidays Though this might be termed a “you and I” relationship, if it is one that breaks down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need in the first place. – From “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. My calendar has been telling me. I’ve been blatantly ignoring it. Yes, the holidays are coming. I have these gentle reminders (warnings) that start in July. These (supposedly) make sure I ask myself the right questions while NOT in the stress of holiday planning.…
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That’s what I want to do. Go beyond. I have a very strong familiarity (meaning: I listen to it to go to sleep at night and can quote it verbatim) with 30 Rock. This quote at the end of Season 7: Episode 9 – Game Over (while the credits are rolling) always gets to me. She asks her entourage where they went the night before and the woman responds “Bed, Bath and Beyond.” Octavia says with force and excitement “We went beyond!” One, how often are you excited to go to a store that is around all the time and…
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It is a relentless cycle I’m in… I realize that I’m doing too much… So I cut back… And I feel VERY LOST… so I…. Add something (lots of things) new and then I … Get resentful… And cut back again… Then I feel like I’ve opened the space to let more in… So I do… and then… It’s a cycle I’m stuck in and I know that only I can stop it. For the moment, I’m in the quiet time. I’m feeling nervous. On edge. Like it’s time to introduce something new. But (and this is how I break…
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Maybe it’s time to let some of that go Why do I have to change who and how I am to fit this hypothetical, constantly changing, make-believe culture that changes every second? And changes depending on who I’m talking to? Anyone who creates and then shares takes a huge risk… “Will they understand? Will they get it?” That’s the hope. The fear looms large. I’m not afraid of people not getting “it”. (Whatever this “it” is.) It’s the inevitable pressing of others on me to make the elusive “it” more “understandable”, more “palatable”, less provocative. You know, so it can…
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when swimming in a culture that doesn’t seem to want that at all When things aren’t working (and that feels like ALL.THE.TIME), I find myself looking for systems and procedures that can get any one area of my life under control. It doesn’t have to actually get it under control – just needs to give me a semblance of control. It gives me some form of an understanding (even if it’s false) in a world that I‘ve always found pretty messed up and hypocritical. I tell myself that this semblance of control is needed to keep me from spinning out.…