October 2023
There are choices we make in life. And there are choices we get to make again and again.
I was (and continue) to struggle with putting myself “out there.” In person, online, on social media, etc.
I came across something I wrote last Spring, which gets to the heart of the matter
Why am I afraid to be seen? Why am I afraid of exposing who I really am? I have nothing to fear, nothing to hide.The things that have happened to me, the things that have caused me pain and suffering (and exponential growth) are not my responsibility or burden. They do not define me as much as it was: a decision made, lesson learned, t-shirt earned. I am the sum of more than what I’ve lived through, learned, experienced and prayed. I have nothing to hide and all to show for no one but myself. I no longer do anything for anyone else except out of love. And I do what I do because I love myself. And I long to be myself again.
I don’t make sense. I no longer push myself to be a neat and clean jigsaw puzzle, edges and colors clearly marked. I make sense to me. And that’s what matters.
I wish I was still this person who wrote that in 2022. I imagine there have been similar writings to myself throughout my 40+ year life. This women sounds incredible. And I want to be her friend.
*Sigh*
That 2022 woman also knows (just like my current self knows) that there are valid, REAL reasons that being yourself in public, to certain others, is asking for pain and suffering. For more challenges on top of challenges.
I’ve worn more masks and created more facades and personalities than likely days of my life. Because I had to. And though it was survival, it wasn’t all about survival.
You can be who you are wherever and whenever. As long as you are willing to deal with the consequences. And there can be some dire circumstances depending on the situation and what you are expressing.
Sometimes it is not about imposter syndrome and “how to break through!” Sometimes it is acknowledging that there are VERY REAL REALITIES from showing up stronger, open, more honest, more yourself.
I’ve worked in a few jobs in my life where I had to hold the facade. It was painful. It was awful. All I wanted to do was be myself and just relax. At the time though, I couldn’t. Because mostly, I wouldn’t. I had bills to pay and at that moment in time, in my life, it wasn’t a mountain I wanted to defend. I was there to work, not be myself. If I didn’t have those bills to pay, I wouldn’t have been there at all. And that’s the truth. And the reality.
Maybe it’s religion or politics (they are separate if anyone out there is listening!) Or orientation or beliefs. Or the climate or social justice or food or access or something…
Sometimes it is imposter syndrome.
But sometimes, it is you knowing that it is not the place or time to be putting yourself forward. Honor that. Honor your reality whether it makes sense to anyone else or not.