Visbility and the Holiday Season

What you look for you find right?

All of a sudden, I’m listening to and reading all about visibility. Mostly the fears behind it, what we want it to look like, what it ACTUALLY looks like and the desire to essentially NOT be visible in the world. We want to go about living our lives and NOT partake in the crazy that usually comes out while living those said lives..

It usually goes something like this:

If we are visible -> we get not so nice comments and not so nice people. To deal with it (or decide not to deal with it) -> we may pull back and stop being visible. Then we may or may not get over it and either ->return to being visible or -> stay disconnected.

There are true consequences to both staying disconnected and returning back to visibility. I wrestle with them regularly.

I think this is my 5th attempt at writing and being online. I have already wanted to delete it all multiple times but I’ve pushed through. I imagine there will be many more

It’s not about fear of disagreement or being upset. (IF ONLY!)

There are real life consequences to having any opinion or even existing online. It’s not that it’s any different walking around in real life. Online just magnifies and highlights our society. Instead of getting mad that “this is happening because of x, y, z online”, let’s get mad that this is still acceptable in our societies!

I truly want to know how some of the women I know and follow do it. Are they distanced now from the fray? How have they handled the crazy things that happen to them in the real world from the online space?

The holidays magnify (as well) how much the spaces, people and places we think are safe, are not. It’s a few weeks until the end of the year and already, most women I know have JUST. HAD. IT. If there is ever a time of year that reminds you that you are not in control and you have to go along with everyone else - Welcome to December.

It’s the visibility question again - different situation, same consequences. How free are we really to have our own opinions, be ourselves and make our own decisions different from others? We say “It’s just once a year, it’s fine, it will pass.” Just as we tamp ourselves down and be quiet in other places in real life. Just as others either get bullied, harassed or shut down online or in person (sometimes with deadly consequences).

None of this is new. I think the visibility now of seeing this behavior more regularly, with more frequency - to me it confirms that sinking suspicion that I hoped wasn’t true but truly is.

I can focus on the positive. I can focus on those who have pushed through, made it, and continue no matter what. But that must be exhausting for them. And it’s unfair. And it’s unsafe.

So why are we okay with this?

Being ourselves, being true to ourselves can bring up all sorts of stuff and if it’s bringing up stuff this time of year - you are correct. You aren’t crazy. You are human. If you aren’t okay with anything - also correct. If you are frustrated and aggravated and feeling trapped - also correct.

I can’t get mad about the way people behave online when they really would (and sometimes do) behave that way in real life (if they know they can get away with it.) I mean I can - but online is not the problem.

There is the push of “Let’s try to get the algorithm to show the good stuff. Let’s stay on to create the change.” I get that. That’s what we do in real life as well. So I get it. I stay (right now) for the same (and some personal) reasons.

I say all of this, as a reminder, it’s not you. It’s us. As a whole. As a collective. You aren’t crazy. You are just fighting upstream. Which is exhausting. And frustrating.

In a time of “celebration” and “cheer” (built on a lot of lies and a lot of people who just wanted power), if you are feeling scared and angry, I get it. You are allowed to be visible, if only to yourself. At least be visible to yourself.

Honesty with ourselves is better than no honesty at all. Even if we can’t show or share it. Yet.