“Take up space.”
I’ve heard that from therapists, coaches, and even my workout videos.
But I don’t.
It seems that even if I wanted to, I can’t. It feels wildly uncomfortable and unsafe when I try.
Maybe it’s trauma informed (okay, it IS trauma informed) and I know I’m not the only one.
This is most apparent to me when I travel. I try to minimize what I need as much as possible. I am always ready to quickly and easily pack it all up. In 15 minutes or less. If I take up space, it means more time and more risk if I need to flee.
I have no reason for this – now. But I did when I was younger. And it’s hard to break.
Even in my day to day life, I try taking up more space. I acquire things and try to keep them out in lots of different places throughout the house. These are normal things of daily life that many people have no problem acquiring and holding onto. Nothing major. Some extra dishes or towels, decorative items, a second or third pair of scissors or lip balm.
But it can physically make me ill, to see the things I don’t necessarily need. I may last a year, or even two, but soon I find myself clearing it out, consolidating, giving things away or just storing it in the basement (to eventually be given away anyway.)
I know there are good reasons to “take up space.” It reaffirms myself as a person, with wants, needs, desires, preferences and choices. It reminds me that I matter, that I stand up for myself, that I use my voice. Even as a middle-aged woman, when I walk in a store or around, I find that people are still walking into me and/or not noticing I’m even there taking up the space on the sidewalk. (I think there are other factors at play in this as well but that’s for another time.)
The fear of taking up space, the risk that it can be, to claim a spot, claim opinion (especially if not it’s contrary) – it is real. It is a popularly held belief that everything in life is a zero-sum game and even if I don’t believe it completely, it is a conditioning so strong that it feels almost impossible to break. My mind thinks “If I take up space, say something different, others are left out.” It is wrong – I know that.
Disagreement sends me into a different panic. I know that it means that I may not be compliant with the “way things are.” And compliance is more important than care and fair in this world as I’ve learned in various ways throughout my life.
So when I get to take up space, I’m always surprised (and try to remember to remind myself of this in the future) when I realize that others (who were left out) are now included. Or at least now, might have a toehold. I try to repeat it to myself so when I’m (inevitably) panicking again, I remember that taking up space supports others, the others who need it.
Like most ideas, it depends on who is doing the defining, who holds “the power”, what the goal of the idea is and what past experiences have defined it, individually and culturally.
Something so simple “taking up space” can be so fraught with the unknown and negative consequences – even if we don’t consciously realize it.
We may mean well when we say these and other similar words of seeming support. We mean to empower. Still, one statement cannot outrun and override years, decades, and centuries of fear and harm. Fear and harm that occur, when people in the normal course of living their lives are subtly, sometimes unknowingly, and sometimes violently harmed when they “empoweringly” try.
It is still worth trying when one can – which is why I continue to push through my cycles of “taking up space” and exploring why I feel weird about it – when I’m not dancing near a panic attack.
Maybe where I’m taking space is not meant for me, maybe I’m trying to put a round peg in a square hole. Maybe I need to take up space elsewhere, where it is meant for me. Space is a privilege AND a choice. Each of us gets to define what it means to us and how we want to use it.