Metaphorically of course…unless…
February 2025
When the last season of The American Ex Wife Podcast changed its tagline (thank you lyz ) from “May the dresses we burn light the way” to “May the bridges we burn light the way” it tugged at something deep in my heart.
I’ve been told all my life not to burn bridges.
At times I’ve been happy I’ve followed that advice (when I was young and uninformed and didn’t know what was at stake.)
And there are times…
when I should have grabbed the torch, rounded up my girlfriends, set it all ablaze, toasting marshmallows and dancing on, around and on top of the pitiful embers.
Instead, what I did was made the choice internally where it would torture me in many different ways for decades to come. I have irreparably damaged myself for a lifetime because of this choice. (I am mostly okay with it but sometimes the fact that I was young and uniformed – read: young, naive and eager to please, because that’s how you survive – actually worked against me.)
It’s hard to tell what brings the worst consequences sometimes: Burning the bridge or dealing with the trauma of that dissonance for a lifetime.
I think the jury is still out on this. Not sure we will ever know.
Still I believe that there is something about a visible statement, a conscious choice, manifested into the world. Maybe not a bonfire moment but a moment, a decision, a cutting away and a letting go.
I watch as many women continue to use their voices in ways that give me hope, make me want to cheer and yell right along with them.
“YES!”
“We will not be silenced!”
Yet, I am fearful, afraid of sharing that I agree with them, sharing what I think and feel.
I can’t imagine there isn’t a person alive who hasn’t had the experience of being honest in themselves and then watched the world come to attack them for that exact reason.
I don’t fear death. I fear complete and utter annihilation. Yet if I am honest with myself about this (when I can really look at it) everyday I live a different version of annihilation as I let myself be silenced.
How can I know who I am if I’ve spent a lifetime fitting into a storyline I don’t even buy? Do I really think that fitting in 90% of the time will let me be myself 10% of the time? Has that really happened?
Will it ever really happen? Or am I just fooling myself?
Is there a better choice? Or is there really no choice at all? And I am just saying all this and imagining I have some control to make myself feel better?
Well, if that’s the case…
I celebrate (and long to be) one of the women who keep sharing anyway. Even after the trolling, the hate mail, the death threats, or the actual attempts on their lives. They keep doing it anyway.
They’ve burned a bridge and I want so badly to burn that bridge too.
This is not about simple misunderstandings or the struggles of day to day living. Or the confusion and chaos that happens along the way between humans.
This is about the straight up abuse that our society believes and rewards as acceptable and necessary.
This is about our (continued) messed up definitions of love, support, community, family and success.
Light is coming and voices are raised – the swell is continuing
But this happens all the time.
- Someone sets a healthy boundary against abuse (which unfortunately looks a lot like going against the status quo and right now disagreement carries a heavier toll than ever).
- The people around them, including their family, friends and most importantly society lose their minds and pressure them (in some way, shape or form) into letting that boundary go.
- (Gaslighting – the society we live in. It is relentless. It is the air we breathe.)
- Sometimes the body and mind have no resources left to put up the fight.
- The boundary falls though they would love to burn the bridge, make the decision.
- But the deck was already stacked against them in all ways, societally.
- Cave and retreat.
To survive, to live another day and try again – that’s the hope.
I can’t imagine I’m the only one who has and continues to retreat when she would love to burn the bridge. I can’t imagine that the women that I admire and cheer on quietly always push through as well. And I won’t ever begrudge them that. I hope they do take care and do what they need to do to take care of themselves and those they love.
We are all fighting multiple battles on multiple fronts just to stay alive and functional. And then be ourselves? Sometimes that truly is a luxury. I get it. And I’m grateful for those who use their energy and luxury to keep getting up, being themselves, publicly for the world to see (and freak out about and deal with all that.)
I don’t fear death. I fear complete and utter annihilation. Yet if I am honest with myself about this (when I can really look at it) everyday I live a different version of annihilation as I let myself be silenced.
So how do you know when it is time to “make the stand” to “burn the bridge?”
I have no suggestions, no ideas, no thoughts except my own.
Looking back, do I regret any bridges I’ve burned?
No. Not a one.
In fact, I’ve been taught to feel bad, taught to regret anything that doesn’t acquiesce to the other person. The thought goes like this: “Other person upset, I’m wrong, must fix, sacrifice self, no matter the consequences, RIGHT NOW.”
So now I’m angry that I’ve wasted time feeling bad and talking to myself in circles for decades about burning bridges that I absolutely, without a doubt, NEEDED to do for my health and well-being.
Essentially, I sacrificed myself for people who don’t see me as a human being as an actual person with valid needs.
And (to get all therapy on myself) maybe THAT is why I keep repeating the same patterns, getting into the same problem, over and over in different ways.
With all that in mind, looking back, are there more bridges that I wished I’d burned (sooner or ever)?
Yes.
How much time and life could I have saved myself in the end?
Well, all I can do is not lose anymore of it along the way.
Thank you again lyz (and all your guests and supporters) – May the bridges we burn light the way.
And may that light shine brighter everyday giving safety, subsistence and hope to those hovering, knowing it will be there to help them, when they are ready to set their own blazes alight.
The (current) women who are speaking up and taking up their torches and inspired this post (there are so many to mention, this is NOT an exhaustive list – these are just who I’ve been reading/listening recently):
Men Yell At Me