We are prepping for the Holidays
October 2025
Though this might be termed a “you and I” relationship, if it is one that breaks down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need in the first place.
– From “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
My calendar has been telling me.
I’ve been blatantly ignoring it.
Yes, the holidays are coming.
I have these gentle reminders (warnings) that start in July. These (supposedly) make sure I ask myself the right questions while NOT in the stress of holiday planning. Like: What do I really want to do this year? What events do I really want to go to? And how can I as easily as possible opt out of the ones that I don’t want to attend?
I have spent more than 4 decades on this earth and I still have NO idea how to do that last one. It could be because I require the way to leave me feeling good and the other party at minimum, placated. And even if the other person is completely fine, I still feel bad.
I feel like an absolute failure as a person each year when I just do NOT want to party all the way from November through the beginning of January.
I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried. I was miserable (and then even more drained). So this is the time of the yearly thrashing in my brain of how I am just not right, that there is something wrong with me and I MUST fix it this year.
Never mind that everyone I am talking to dreams of 24-48 hours without anyone around so they can just be. Most say it is the only thing they would really want – it would be the best gift ever. It’s at the point where every random woman I am talking to ends up sharing this with me (because I make it okay for them to share it with me of course!)
We are in a crisis and the simplest, most loving thing to do would be to just opt out for one day (or even a few hours.) But we can’t even do that in the day to day routine.
Trying to do it during the holidays is like unleashing a bomb on all of your family and friends. (And why are they all so extroverted this time of year?!)
There is something about holidays that understandably, feels more sacred, more protected, more sacrosanct. That even if things are falling down. As everything else seems to be less sacred, protected and sacrosanct – the holidays are still that, the holidays stay the same.
Except, when we pull the curtain back, we’ve always been molded and fed lines about what holidays should or shouldn’t look like. By society, by government and by market forces as a whole, rather from a family and cultural perspective. Though we forget that.
Christmas trees were not even popular in the United States (and really neither was Christmas for a time) until the early 1800’s. Thanksgiving was lobbied for by Sarah Josepha Hale and wasn’t a holiday until Lincoln decided to make it so in 1863. And then in 1941 it was moved to the fourth Thursday of November – always – to ensure a regular Black Friday at the right time for people to spend money. And there are multiple sources and discussions about the real date of Jesus’s birth (if you want to deep dive into that.)
So like most things, the holidays are made up by so many different people with so many different agendas (both for the good and sometimes just for the $$). If you are to QUESTION or even mildly suggest doing something different, you still get looked at like you are an alien on this earth.
Here are three common responses:
1) We’ve always done it this way.
Okay…Is that really a good enough reason? (I say No.) Maybe that’s the person’s favorite part of the holiday. Maybe there is a long and complicated reason – which may or may not ignore the realities above.
However, just because we have always done it this way is not an actual reason. You can sometimes get more information – sometimes it’s just blind obedience. And the obedience usually tugs at a family string. It’s when you want to make things a tradition for no other reason than you want security and safety. Which is admirable. And also totally false. (Again, see the stories about governments and market created traditions above.)
2) It’s tradition.
This is usually what is behind the “We’ve always done it this way.”
How many times have we heard about beloved traditions that were born out of pain and poverty? I’m thinking of the story that the daughter cuts off the ends of the ham, because that’s how her mother did it, because that’s how her grandmother did it – because her grandmother didn’t have a pan that would fit the ham.
How many traditions or “things we just do because that’s how society is” have later been seen as abhorrent or lacking in dignity for our fellow humans? (Read into that as you will.)
3) I really want you there.
This one is a little harder. Because I usually really don’t want to be there.
I’ve already tried to contort or justify for hours to figure out how to attend this thing before saying I don’t want to. I’ve decided this is what is best even though I’m dreading having this talk with you.
There have been many hurt feelings and grudges over the years of people not going to things (I may have some experience on both ends). Which is sad really when one thinks about it…
I’d like to live by this quote from “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
Though this might be termed a “you and I” relationship, if it is one that breaks down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need in the first place.
I’m still working on it. It’s pretty damn radical if you think it through.
One would almost think that maybe our family and societal systems aren’t supported by love but instead by the same government, market and societal forces that give us no choice but to stay in our lane. Hmmmm….
Enjoy what you do. Remembering that all these things come from reasons, people, places and decisions that may or may not have our true best interests at heart.
So if there is something you don’t want to do, I would highly suggest you opt-out and take care if at all possible. And if not (because, trust me, I get it), please make sure you do something for yourself to support yourself while doing what you would prefer to not.
My Thanksgiving reminder includes to make sure there is something there for me to enjoy eating. There is no food/meal I dislike more than the “traditional” Thanksgiving. Though my attempts to add or change things over the years, even a tiny bit, have gone flat.
Now it has turned into making sure there is a meal I savor during that weekend. My own personal Thanksgiving with family and friends in a different way and no one needs to know it but me.
May your holidays and your planning include what YOU want and need this year.