December 2023
It’s the weird space after Christmas and between New Years.
I used to work during this time. It was actually my busiest time of year since no one else wanted to work.
This is the second year I’ve been off during this week’s holiday. And it is a LOT of space.
I find myself discombobulated.
I have plans, things to do, and I’m still “working” (on my own things.)
It’s this weird space of “do all the things you can’t normally do while you are working FT” and “it’s a vacation not using your PTO days – make it count!”
Maybe that’s part of why I’m discombobulated.
Plus, I don’t know about you, but the Christmas holiday ALWAYS leaves much to be desired, so I’m sure some depression and anxiety are thrown into that mix.
Instead of “doing something to break out of the funk”, I just have zero effort or care left to give.
What about sitting in the subliminal, sitting in the muck and the darkness? Sitting with the anger and despair?
Last week I wrote about the gifts of these feelings and here I am still trying to run away from them. I don’t want to sit with them even though I know it’s EXACTLY what I need to be doing.
I want to click the easy button, read the inspirational quote, take a shower and feel better. And, oh, how I’ve tried…
Like an annoying jack in the box (I feel you Buddy), the anger has popped out and I can’t shove it back in.
That’s probably exactly why I’m discombobulated – along with everything else above.
Not only am I in the subliminal space (which I’m not used to), I’m feeling lots of feelings (also not used to) and almost all those feelings are repressed anger, despair and all the other messy ones are coming out because I can’t seem to find a way to shove them back down again. (And was trained so well to shove them down and not give voice.)
I’m not just discombobulated or angry or depressed at others. I feel like a failure. I’ve turned all those feelings on myself because well, that’s what I know how to do. Even though I know better.
How do you do something different when the “unacceptable” feels like jumping off a cliff?
For real, I’m asking, since I’m clearly not handling things well right now.
I write this only to let others know that you are not alone.
I briefly hopped on Facebook this past weekend to see similar posts in groups about feeling guilty, angry, gaslit, resentful and all the other feelings that we try so hard to keep bottled up at the holidays.
It did make me feel better – made me feel less crazy and alone. I’m grateful they were honest and shared.
Hoping this does the same.