And the sometimes not so positive consequences

December 2023

“When we have the courage to let go of the dream we have now – the dream and drive and trance to accumulate more – then we have the space to envision and create the new dream, a dream that sees us engaged in respecting, preserving, honoring what we have.” – The Soul of Money Lynne Twist

I am baffled that within 3 years EVERYTHING has gone back to the way it was in 2019.  It’s like 2020 and 2021 never happened.

Am I the only one that has whiplash?

Am I the only one going “WTF people?!” 

I’m reviewing this year because I can’t NOT review the year.  It’s been grey, cloudy, foggy and that for me is the perfect time to cuddle up, stay in pajama pants and just putter around my house and my brain.

I’m disappointed in myself. Disappointed in that I can’t seem to avoid the world around me and not keep myself from joining the fray of doing and getting and accomplishing. Because I know it keeps me trapped. I can’t create what I REALLY want from this place.

I can’t be who I REALLY am if I’m spending my time and energy checking all the boxes and doing all the things. Then there is no energy left for the REAL ME.

Anyone else feel this way on a regular basis? And then do the things to push it down? (My two favorites are reading and chocolate.)

In these moments of introspection (before I pick up the book!), I realize how far I’ve gone from who I dreamt I’d be and what I thought I would do. As someone who tries hard to keep the world out (lots of my energy goes to that too) and has fallen prey to it, I can’t imagine how others feel. Tired? Defeated? Exasperated?

2020 and 2021 feel like a fever dream. Except that they happened. I lived them. We lived it.  

Though the world would suggest otherwise. Fucking world. 

If a worldwide pandemic, massive protests & institutions collapsing can’t stop the bus we are all on, well, what chance do we have?

There are many times I choose to lie to myself, tell myself it’s okay, that the “adults know what they are doing.” 

(Except now, I am THAT adult and so are my friends. I assure you, we all have no idea what the fuck we are doing. We’ve realized that the generations before us didn’t know either.)

So, why, oh why, do we keep fighting anything different, anything other than “that’s the way we do things”? It’s almost like this bizarre Wizard of Oz thing. We all know it’s a mirage. We all know we made it up. So why can’t we make something else up?

The grass might not be greener on the other side but at least there might BE grass.

There are those who are able to push back, able to opt out and I look at them longingly, sighing, “Maybe one day?”

Maybe one day I’ll stop contorting myself into the person I don’t want to be, maybe one day I’ll stop going to the stores and getting what I need there and find another way, maybe one day, I’ll actually be honest with people when they ask me my opinion and I won’t run the risk of winding up dead…

There’s a reckoning for sure. Some things have to suck really really bad before anything changes and most days I’m not willing to throw myself down that pit or on that fire.

Then there are days where I’ve decided that THIS is the mountain I’m gonna die on.  “I gotta do something right?!”

How do I live (and truly keep “living”) with these two parts of myself? As I know the dream I’m currently living is NOT the one I truly want, yet for the basics of life, this is the current reality. 

It’s hard work living in both. It’s hard work forging a path of mutual respect and honor when that essentially goes against how society is set up. 

How do I let it go in little ways though? How can I let the chips fall where they may for THIS decision? Or for this hour? Or for this opinion? 

It’s the holiday season bringing to light the things that MUST be brought to light – the injustice, the terror, the shame, the tragedy, the indifference, under the guise of “Peace on Earth and Good Will to Man.” (That phrase in and of itself is a minefield!)

No wonder I shudder to think about my part in it all and am disappointed in what I didn’t do, what dream I gave up, in the light of the world. 

But I can have courage in a moment. Or in a dream. I can give myself (and others) the space to have that dream. Dreaming about respecting, honoring and preserving the people around me, around the world. And letting the old narrative go – if only in my mind. For now.