not platitudes
Whenever anyone told me to “Just be present in the moment,” I always wanted to present my fist to their face.
I would never do it. Even up until (and even) now, I’ve never really acknowledged my anger about all those “Be Present. Live in the Moment. It’s all okay.” comments.
I have decades of bottled up rage boiling over. I’ve been trying to throw my weight over the lid but it keeps leaking out scalding water that’s only hurting me. Which is never good but the usual story. It is one that I imagine millions of women are familiar with.
So I’ve surprised myself by noticing and realizing how much more present I am, now.
But not in the way “they” always wanted me to be.
Much of it has to do with the mental and physical load that I am no longer carrying. I’m no longer running around trying to make money to ensure the bills are paid and that others are “cared for” by their ever-changing impossible standards.
You only realize how much energy this all takes when you don’t have to do it anymore. And it can take years to decades after to really see the cost.
So, of course, I can be more present now. But it’s still not the “solution” everyone makes it out to be.
I imagine I’m not the only one, that when I am really present, when I see what is going on around and inside of me, and I REALLY DON’T LIKE what I see. Yes, the flowers are lovely, as is this cup of tea. But really that only goes so far.
My interior mess is my own and while it bothers me, it’s mine and I own it. I might not like to look at it but I know it’s there and it’s mostly within my control. I have no one to blame (sort of)…my interior mess has been influenced by the people and culture that surrounds me. So as I look inside and outside, I know why “being present” is not necessarily the answer. In a lot of ways staying numb and blocking out the present, serves us to keep going.
The world is utter fucking nonsense and yet we keep putting up with it.
I had a great visit with a friend a few weeks ago. She said something, I’ve heard before but that hit me differently this time. It was along the lines of being “smart and anxious” vs. “not as smart and happy.”
Oh.
This sank deep into me. When you know more, you see more. When you understand things, you see cause and effect, watching what happens all around you… Well, so of course, I’ve always been a ball of anxiety. That’s the correct response to illogical crazy-making. So the anxiety felt around the world is actually sane and a healthy, normal reaction.
Yet, the “answer” to this anxiety has essentially been “Don’t look behind the curtain, nothing to see here!” But the curtain has always been sheer from the get go. You can’t unsee it. So having someone say that to you…we’ve all been gaslit for so many millennia over so many things…
I walk around (with millions of others) going “The Emperor has no clothes.” The response we get is “Stop and smell the roses.”
Yeah, how has that really worked out for all of us?
Maybe my new version of present has come with years of building the protection. I will say “The Emperor has no clothes”, others will babble nonsense back at me. Instead of listening, I acknowledge the life I built and still know and say when needed, that “The Emperor has no clothes.”
This is true presence. Not a fantasy or a denial – though I get the need for that from time to time. I am seeing the good. That I created, not out of the craziness but in spite of it. And I am seeing the good coming from the voices coming together saying “The Emperor has no clothes.”
That’s the presence I always wanted. Not a platitude to get me to shut up about what we all know is really there. I’m not about to life to myself and others anymore just so we can create fantasies that serve no one.