I actually wrote most of this in November of 2022 – again, I am baffled and frustrated that it still is relevant
February 2024
I’m awake. I got up and meditated, did my morning routine and even read for about 20 minutes. Then connected with the world by checking email.
That’s the only extent I ever really want to connect with the world. I feel so defeated regularly. I feel like everyone walking around are polar opposites. I fear that at any point, someone is going to decide they don’t like something I say. They will decide I’m a threat and are going to take out a gun and shoot me. I wish this was an exaggeration but there are many who live and have lived this existence their entire lives. (Just in case I didn’t feel defeated enough already…)
The thing is, I know I harbor similar feelings for what to me is “the other side” of an issue. And to make this clear, I am on different sides of the aisle on different issues which REALLY REALLY makes people mad. We (as a society) love to be able to label and box so we can move on with our lives. One of my goals in life is to keep people from boxing me in (and confusing the digital algorithms which is just our digital way of boxing people in.)
I (like many people) try so hard to love. And be above the differences. I won’t shoot anyone for having and expressing a different opinion. But I may no longer hang out, I may not engage, I may change the subject.
I worry that though I’m trying so hard to give respect and voice to ALL opinions and ALL thoughts, that I’m still part of the censorship, part of the problem.
My thought is “You can say it. I just don’t want to hear it.” And is that really helping?
How am I any better than any of the censorship and partisanship that continues to swallow up people in many countries?
I wonder often, “Is this how Nazism started? Were they trying to love everyone and trying to work from within to fix the problem? Were they trying to give voice and find places where they agreed? (Because you have to let the other side talk so you can find agreement.) Did they try to love and include everyone (even if those people had no interest in doing the same)? Because hate does not solve hate?”
That can sound a lot like ideals and principles in the midst of real pain and suffering. Ideals don’t stop the pain.
While growing up, I read books and stories about those who sheltered and protected the Jewish people during the Nazi occupation. I heard about those who also “fought” the Third Reich in unconventional and unexpected ways. I was always pretty blase about it though – “of course those people did the right thing! How could they NOT? How could those other people just sit by and go along or just let it all happen around them?”
I was a kid and I believed that justice prevailed (because looking back, my parents kept me away from the crazy happening all around as long as they could.)
I’m older now. I feel myself becoming complicit in the same way as “those other people that just sat by and went along and just let it happen around them.”
I know why they didn’t do anything or maybe really didn’t know what was going on. I had that same thought as a kid reading those books – “Come on! How could you not know?!” As an adult, “OH. When there is no one you can trust and everything seems like it’s a lie… OH.”
I don’t have anyone who “officially” relies on me and yet I feel the pull to take care of myself and those that I love. I can understand that those who have mouths to feed and people to directly take care of, they do what they have to do. And it might not look right to anyone else.
There are things that happen around us everyday, so shocking, so “there is absolutely no way this is happening” absurd. Of course, we have to have a protective mechanism so we can focus on the daily needs of ourselves and those we love.
Some would say these are excuses. Some would agree. To others, it’s not even a conversation worth having.
Does love look like focusing on our direct family and friends while sacrificing others? Does love look like opening ourselves to community with those who vehemently disagree with us – maybe bringing risk to us and those we love? Both..
Love is not defined by a particular box either – it’s not an equation to plug in X & Y to equal LOVE.
I continue to ask myself: How do we love and stay open when it brings discord? Anger? Irrationality? Pain? The possibility of death? Are we crazy to even think this way?
I want to shut down and run away when I have a general conversation with someone I love, turning ugly within seconds with no prompting on either side…
Yet there are people who speak out, who regularly receive threats to their and their loved ones well being, keep doing it. I consider them heroes and role models. I want to be them yet I am human and fearful.
Love is powerful – love has consequences, intended or otherwise.
I’ve been reminded that we are not responsible for the results, for the reactions..
We just keep doing the work, being Love and God/Universe will take care of the rest.
No wonder we flock to the red hearts, candy and romantic love of Valentine’s Day. That type of Love we can box in, equate and understand. And we need it, as a relief from the LOVE that we all long to give and receive yet find so difficult to do, now more than ever.
Where we are, with what we have, we do what we can. And keep trying and dreaming, hoping God does indeed take care of the rest. Celebrating one type of love could lead to the celebration of ALL LOVE…