April 2024
Spring brings anxiety for me but it’s just a microcosm of a larger concern within my life. There is the pull of the “do, do, do” when I want to be (if I’m moving at all) slower and more exploratory. I know that this anxiety comes not just in Spring but in the whole of life. Gratefully, I am feeling more confident in being motivated by Nature (and less by the world) as I get older.
I have found throughout my lifetime that my thresholds for burnout seem unusually low. And as I get older they become lower and lower. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything left at all!
I desire to connect and go try. So I do. Sometimes I get a warning that I’m burning out (and I can get ahead of it and get home before I lose my mind completely.) Other times it’s like a light switch goes off, I have no warning. I am completely in the dark, shut down and done and usually far from where I can take care of myself.
Once I hit shut down mode – it’s not a one and done for me. It’s not, just get home and recharge. It will continue to go through every area of my life, for a few days or weeks or month depending on the severity at any given time. Sleep is wrecked which makes it harder to function, to work, to do what I want to do and to take care of myself (and the others around me.) Having to skip certain chores or meetings means I’m behind others or myself, trying to catch up.
I have gotten better at planning and at deciding if I have enough energy to do “this” or “that.” Still though, just because I think it’s a small expenditure, that means nothing. I can plan, conserve and have plenty of energy available. I can tell myself and convince myself that this is not a big deal, just a good night’s sleep and I’ll be fine. But it’s funny – the seemingly bigger burnouts I can sometimes get over faster than the smaller ones. I never know.
So I already seem overly cautious (and anti-social and picky) to many.
And recently I’ve adopted another rule that frustrates and annoys people even MORE than my already boundaried life.
I do nothing after 5:30 pm that is “social” or “engaging” in any way. My preference is to be home, cooking dinner, doing chores, maybe talking to a close friend early on, reading, writing, winding down. I may make a change in plans if it’s a smaller dinner or excursion. (Or something I absolutely can’t reschedule or make happen any other time – hello work!)
But I assure you, I will feel those effects for days and even weeks to come once I break that rule. I wish I didn’t.
I arrange my socialization and desires into the slots that work for me. It doesn’t work for everyone and I’ve had to let a lot of things go. (And I’m still letting things go and will be letting more go.) The blessing of this rule for myself is that many of my choices and decisions are now so much easier.
It would seem that I have become the recluse (old lady) I always wanted to be. I thought they had it right and I always wanted to live the way they did. Do some social things and work during the day and be peaceful and quiet at night.
It still applies to me. And it’s actually opened up my connections and community. BECAUSE I have limited my choices, it feels like the connections I do have are heaven sent (where have you been all my life?!) BECAUSE we are living in similar ways.
I have noticed that my large craving for community and connection is not just mine. And to fill that craving (until just a few months ago), I was doing what I always did. Forcing myself into communities that didn’t fit me and making myself wrong. Shoehorning it into my schedule, stressing running from one thing to the next. I continually told myself that this was just what I had to do for connection and well being. I was having moments of panic and overwhelm and wondering what I was doing to myself – “Was I ever going to be able to be a ‘real’ human being?” And “Why is this so hard?”
Of course it was hard on me. My struggle to be what society considers “a real human being”, was pointing me in the direction (with all my stress and anxiety) to being an ACTUAL HUMAN – outside of the self and society imposed constraints.
I can have community and connection even with some seemingly extreme limits and boundaries. Though I LOVE my alone time (and I NEED my alone time), I’m not one that could be in my house alone for weeks on end talking to no one. I know that I need connection, real connection that supports and works for me to be healthy and to be me. And it can be done!
There are others looking for the same. Whatever it looks like for you. It’s just up to each of us to be REAL on what works for us and what doesn’t and being clear in communication so we can find our people and tribe. (Even if they don’t leave their house or interact after 6:30 pm!)
Image by Lemoonboots from Pixabay