April 2024
Spring makes me a ball of anxiety. Always has. Likely always will.
I find myself out of sorts, off my schedule, and feeling like I don’t have a handle on anything. It feels as if everything is up in the air.
I know my words, thoughts and feelings run counter to the society I live in – yet that seems to be the way. And I don’t think that I am alone in it.
I have never heard a bad word about Spring. Or even a questioning word. Spring doesn’t have any bad PR.
Spring is good. Spring is light, playful, beautiful, restorative, exciting. It’s like the perfect child, the newest darling. If you happen to mention that Spring sometimes has difficulties (rains, floods, tornadoes, hurricanes) people just wave it off. We pay the price for sure – we just ignore it or disconnect it from Spring itself. Though it is connected and you can’t have one without the other.
The previous months I find wonderfully quiet and blissful. Best of all, there are no events or big holidays in January, February, and March. All of a sudden (at least that’s what it feels like) Spring comes. It arrives with energy and vibrancy and the feeling that I have to “DO ALL THE THINGS!” I am not ready to do these things and I know I am not – yet the pull is strong.
Nature takes her time in Spring so though I know it internally, my brain (and the pressures of society) have a strong enough pull to override nature. Not that it stops us from having consequences from overriding it, we just don’t “see” it that way – just like we don’t “see” the rains, floods and tornadoes that come with Spring.
How quickly we put up the wallpaper to cover the cracks yet find ourselves surprised when the water seeps through anyway.
One year I sort of noticed and enjoyed Spring. There was nothing to do (and this should surprise no one), I didn’t feel drained or panicked that year. I could move slower, more consciously and there was none of the event pressure and obligation that Spring brings. How many weddings, graduations, baptisms and graduation parties does one need?
This was the “normal” that everyone craved in 2020 when we had to pare down. And now it has returned just as heavy and oppressive as it was before – even more so now because I know that we could do things differently and it would be better on so many levels.
I continue to opt out (as much as I can) which feels heavy and oppressive in its own way. I want to socialize, to connect with others, to create community. I’ve just found that it has to be done in a way that works for me. Not the traditions and expectations of society. Which then brings its own sets of anxieties and challenges.
I felt relief four years ago as I read about so many people coming to the conclusion that much of what we do is self-created and self-forced. Once a tradition is no longer safe, we opted out. We found that some of the things we did, we didn’t really enjoy, weren’t supportive but hadn’t known, and hadn’t been able to see the nuance UNTIL we stopped.
Sometimes you can’t know that there is an alternative until there is an alternative. Thinking outside the box only happens if you believe there is something more than the box.
Though everything is back to “normal”, it is not “normal” AND it never was normal. The crack was there and it is still there. We had the chance to go in and really repair it, yet we wallpapered over it and continue to do so as the world continues on. And as it cracks, we keep covering it over again and again.
My anxiety with Spring is the same anxiety I have with the world. We don’t see the tradeoffs or the reality of Spring. Just like we refuse to see the actions and realities of our actions.
In Spring, Nature is actually taking its time. Destroying and repairing. The storms and winds come to sweep away those branches and plants that are dead. Filling in the holes with nourishment for everything. Filling in the cracks to build from. It may feel like it but the trees don’t come all the way out overnight. Nature doesn’t hastily wallpaper but instead tears down to rebuild and THEN brings out the wallpaper. Which even that fades in time, just like the bloom and rush of the flowers.
Nature always wins because she is based on a foundation. Though I know better, I still subscribe to bust everything out overnight, overdone, so it looks good. And I’m still surprised when everything falls apart sooner than I expected and I burn out. Like the flowers come out to shine, they will soon wither and retreat. Yes, the new growth needs the big push to get it out of the soil. That’s the fun part – the foundational part of rest, of care, of planning, of nurturing that helps it get there – that’s no fun. We don’t like doing it just like we don’t like the stormy weather or the floods that come our way.
Foundation is not sexy. It’s not headline worthy. It can be a scary, painful and frustrating experience. But it’s that foundation that brings the growth, the colors and the beauty. We can’t have one without the other if we want it to last as long as we can.
So there is a gift in the anxiety and the “seemingly” negative things that come in Spring. They are foundational.
As I head into this year, with plans and dreams of my own, it makes sense why that Spring Cleaning energy comes out. It’s not to clean and look good, but to help me build a foundation. And that anxiety is what is helping me hold myself back, keep myself grounded as I get ready to burst out on my own.