August 2023
I have gotten myself off and on blogs, the social medias and the things so many times throughout my life.
Off, On. Off, On. Off, On. Off, On.
Even got myself blocked from Instagram since they think I’m a bot.
I create stuff, set up websites, etc.
Then take great delight in deleting it all and blowing it all away. (Usually in a fit of my “I want to be a hermit and not buy into all this!” rage.)
As I (inevitably) start again I ask myself:
– What am I doing?
– Why am I doing this?
– How is this different from the last time?
– You know if you kept what you were doing from 10 years ago, you wouldn’t be starting from scratch?
– Or is it good that you blew it all away, because this is something different? (PS: It’s never that different. That’s just what I tell myself to make myself feel better about my self-destructive tendencies.)
In the great wide world of the interwebs, we think there is such a thing as anonymity. And I’ve been working on that for my entire life. So many different accounts as if I could keep business(es) and personal(s) separate – because different jobs, different parts of life.
That means more work – and no wonder I blew it all away regularly.
Each time though, I come to terms with it and right now I feel like I found a “somewhat” happy medium.
I want to engage and be a part of things. I want to not be afraid to be who I am.
But I am also deathly afraid of interacting and being myself.
It is not garden variety “imposter syndrome” or “someone’s coming to get you.” All the calming breath, yoga poses, EFT, tapping and therapy can’t get me to feel the feeling and move through/past it.
It is abject terror that shows up in my dreams. This feeling in my chest and gut tells me in no uncertain terms that if I am going to put myself out there I’m definitely going to die. My life is over, maybe not immediately but sometime soon.
Me just speaking just in my own little corner (to no one). Irrational yes but completely real.
It makes me wonder why and how anyone can do any of this. (And then this is when I go back to “I want to opt out of all of this!” mode and delete it all.)
I see how this has all gone. How the system works. How it rewards pure numbers, sensationalism, negativity, and regurgitation. We all know the neuroses and unhealthy thinking that comes from all of this – we’ve started to see the dire consequences.
And yet, I have found great inspiration from those who have done this thing and done it their way. They decide what they will and will not do. Some do their thing and transition and I drop off. Some have done their thing and they leave.
A friend and I have been missing Paul Jarvis. The conversations have made me miss him so much that I went back and re-listened to one of the two remaining episodes of Invisible Office Hours. I have him to thank for so much, I had no idea.
So of course, I miss him (and them, because it’s not just him, there are so many others) because I want to know how to be a rebel. I want to know how to use the system for me and for the better of everyone from someone else who also feels the same.
And funny thing, these are the people that tend to do their thing and then change completely or leave. How do you find the rebels who are just doing their thing? They aren’t “tweeting” (wait, Twitter doesn’t exist anymore does it?) or posting to social or leading workshops.
They are just quietly creating, doing their thing and if people come across and like it, great, if not, oh well.
That’s the spirit. I’m going to keep searching.