“You should smile more!” & the relief of grey days
June 2023
Leaving the woods after my walks, I am always jarred stepping back on the road and into “civilization.”
I’ve had access to these woods for years but only found out/had the courage to explore about 4 years ago. And even though I have easy free access to them, I still don’t go back there as much as I want. Which is silly. Because there is never a bad walk in the woods. There is always a good walk in the woods.
Why am I not stacking the deck for me?
Then I come out of the woods and remember why.
Because sometimes, even though you do the good thing, it is harder to come back to reality, to a part that is upsetting, and not so good. Sometimes it is easier NOT to know that there are good things. (We will get into this another time.)
Which is why I love the grey melancholy days. They give me the perfect excuse to not be “on.”
So much of life is lived in interaction with others. I am glad, we need others for a full healthy life.
If it’s sunny, it’s expected you will be cheery, chatty and smile (unless some grave misfortune has befallen you of course!) If it’s grey, there’s a little more leeway.
I have always been told I need “To Smile. Cheer up! It’s not so bad!”
It used to make me angry and depending on the situation, I would either: 1) Fake the smile for as long enough as I had to 2) Decide then and there I would not be smiling no matter if I wanted to
People do not get to tell other people how to feel and what that looks like on their person.
I’ll say that again LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK:
People do not get to tell other people how to feel and what that looks like on their person.
I am not a smiler. If I am, I usually get questioned. For good reason. I’m not a smiler.
Again, it’s why I love grey melancholy days and being in the woods.
The woods don’t expect you to talk or smile or interact the way they want you to. They can take anything, they can let you be whoever you are with whatever your emotions or feelings. You can think, cry, laugh or be solemn (another favorite of mine).
Walking through the woods if you happen to see someone else, a nod or even ignoring them will suffice. And it is actually expected – you don’t go to the woods to interact and have a cheery conversation. You go to be contained, thoughtful and aware. Which is near impossible to do when you have to interact with someone else.
I’ve been called a hermit, a recluse, anti-social among other names that I just won’t repeat. They were never stated in a positive way. When I was younger, I used to get angry and try to defend myself…
Now I just don’t even care – whatever.
Many people mistake me for an extrovert. I explain that I need my introversion time so I can do all the good extroverting I do. (Never mind that we use these terms incorrectly in society, that’s a rabbit hole for another time. So many rabbit holes in this one…)
My goal in life is to get home and go to bed. For the last 15 years I have realized that I need a lot of sleep and that it takes me a long time to get to sleep. That means no activity after 6 or 7 (realistically 4) – which makes me the “anti-social hermit”.
But the difference between me getting my rest and me not getting my rest – night and day (hah hah). I am still pulled by societal expectations and standards where I compromise what I need in order to “fit into” society. I think we all do that in so many places – we kinda have to unless we go off grid. (Maybe one day).
Letting ourselves be, whatever feeling, whatever form and maybe staying away from interaction – it’s not a bad thing. I think it’s the thing that will keep us healthy and sane. Maybe, just maybe, people will learn to be and from these feelings and silences and that will actually help us overall.
And maybe things will start to tip, where silence and being alone (for honoring self) will be honored and will lead to a world beyond our imagination. I do dream. If only so I can stop hearing people tell me to smile.